Small talk used to be hard work for me. I never knew what to say, and I spent most of every conversation worrying I’d say the wrong thing. Then something happened that I thought was awful at the time. I took a job dealing with the public.
My worst fear had come true. Every single day I had to make small talk with all kinds of people, and I found it difficult, tedious and nerve-wracking. But somewhere in the middle of all that trial and error, something shifted. I got the hang of it. Today I find small talk easy, and I actually enjoy it. The good news is you can get there too, and you don’t need years behind a counter to do it. It comes down to a few key distinctions.
1. Small talk isn’t about swapping information
Small talk is really a game of discovery. The point is to find what you have in common with the other person.
So take the pressure off yourself to be a brilliant conversationalist, and become curious instead. Think of yourself as a detective, quietly searching for common ground. When you’re genuinely interested in someone, they feel it. They respond to your questions and to the way you listen. Why does this work? Because people like people who are like them. The more you have in common, the more they warm to you, and the more it feels like you’ve known each other for ages. That’s when the conversation starts to flow on its own.
2. Give first, so others feel safe to share
If all you do is ask questions, the other person will feel like they’re being interrogated. That’s not the idea at all!
Be willing to share something about yourself first (nothing too personal, just a little window into your world). When you go first, you lead the way, and the other person naturally feels comfortable returning the favour. This back-and-forth of giving and receiving is what lets you gently guide a conversation to where you’d like it to go.
3. Be willing to lead
If you can lead a conversation, you can steer it. And now you know how: give first, then watch how the other person responds.
Most people will happily follow your lead. And if someone doesn’t? That’s okay. Simply move on to someone else. Don’t aim for 100% with everyone. It’s not a realistic goal, and life just doesn’t work that way.
Make it your own
The real key is to use these distinctions, play with them, and adjust them until they feel like you.
Give it 10 to 15 minutes a day, every day, and you’ll get better and better at making conversation. It’s not rocket science. It’s simply a matter of strategy: knowing it, and using it.
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